As a therapist working with couples for over 20 years, I can emphatically say that one of the biggest challenges many relationships face is keeping the balance between the we, the me, and the them. Couples must give time and attention to three or more entities. Each couple is comprised of two individuals (me/I/mine and you/your) and also their relationship dynamic (we/us/our). Those three entities must deal with layers of context that often compete for time and attention: my career, your career, our family, your family, my family, my friends, your friends, our friends, our home, our children, my interests, your imterests, our common interest, our sex life, our finances, your .... (the number of contexts are unlimited so fill in the blanks with your own).
Whether it be figuring out how to divide your time between your significant other and your relationship with self or vice versa; or your relationship with your significant other and relationships with your children, pets, friends etc.., making an intentional commitment to keep some sacred time for the we is vital to the health of the couple entity.
I often suggest couples agree to a few weekly staples to anchor the relationship context from dissolving under other pressures. Date-time, discussion-time, and sexual-time need to be structured in to weekly life or they can slowly seem to lose their importance against ever changing career, social, family and individual pressures competing for time and attention.
Such structured time does not eliminate or replace spontaneous moments for couples to connect, have sex or engage in discussion, it just insures it happens, as well as, those spontaneous moments. We are going for quality not quantity here with these three important anchors.
Couples also need to respect and support each other's separate individual needs and desires. Making a structure for couples time allows the structure for individual time to work in harmony. There are overlap times that couples will join with each other on their separate needs as well as the needs of family, friends, children, pets, etc... However, these times don't compensate for the need for sacred couples time. Using a time management aid like a couples calendar where shared time is specifically mapped out distinctly from within the individuals schedules can help with coordination between the individual and couple needs.
Putting value on couples time doesn't mean ignoring the needs of both individual's separate time. Each individual may need separate time to take care of there own personal interest, career, hobbies and social needs. For the individuals there may be other breakdowns that need to be addressed and structure to be balanced without cutting into the allotted couples time, such as downtime, liesure time, chore time, career time, health time, social time, spiritual time etc.. See my upcoming blog post on Time management and wellness. It all comes down to creating the balance and harmony between the "we" and the "me" s!
Whether it be figuring out how to divide your time between your significant other and your relationship with self or vice versa; or your relationship with your significant other and relationships with your children, pets, friends etc.., making an intentional commitment to keep some sacred time for the we is vital to the health of the couple entity.
I often suggest couples agree to a few weekly staples to anchor the relationship context from dissolving under other pressures. Date-time, discussion-time, and sexual-time need to be structured in to weekly life or they can slowly seem to lose their importance against ever changing career, social, family and individual pressures competing for time and attention.
Such structured time does not eliminate or replace spontaneous moments for couples to connect, have sex or engage in discussion, it just insures it happens, as well as, those spontaneous moments. We are going for quality not quantity here with these three important anchors.
Couples also need to respect and support each other's separate individual needs and desires. Making a structure for couples time allows the structure for individual time to work in harmony. There are overlap times that couples will join with each other on their separate needs as well as the needs of family, friends, children, pets, etc... However, these times don't compensate for the need for sacred couples time. Using a time management aid like a couples calendar where shared time is specifically mapped out distinctly from within the individuals schedules can help with coordination between the individual and couple needs.
Putting value on couples time doesn't mean ignoring the needs of both individual's separate time. Each individual may need separate time to take care of there own personal interest, career, hobbies and social needs. For the individuals there may be other breakdowns that need to be addressed and structure to be balanced without cutting into the allotted couples time, such as downtime, liesure time, chore time, career time, health time, social time, spiritual time etc.. See my upcoming blog post on Time management and wellness. It all comes down to creating the balance and harmony between the "we" and the "me" s!
Here are a few great articles about the importance of giving the "we" the time, effort, and attention it needs for relationship to thrive:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/m-gary-neuman/we-vs-me-couples_b_2618151.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/worry-wise/201402/how-improve-your-relationship-one-simple-word
http://marriagegems.com/2010/02/04/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/m-gary-neuman/we-vs-me-couples_b_2618151.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/worry-wise/201402/how-improve-your-relationship-one-simple-word
http://marriagegems.com/2010/02/04/
RSS Feed
