Think of this as a "plug in" Module from my earlier blog :  Musical Lyrics for Better Days.

In my last blog I wrote about the amazing power of musical lyrics to shape your attitude when experiencing anxiety. Todays post is about creating a version of that approach but you don't need to be anxious or stressed to apply it.  What we want to create here is some automatic and spontaneous connection to the feelings and message of a positive lyric.   We want the song/lyrics to stick in our mind and "brain-wash" those little "gap" moments (between focused thoughts), just like when a song or a commercial jingle gets stuck in your head and you hear it over and over again when you aren''t focused on something else.  And this happens just because you were exposed to the song and its message at the right time for it to take hold.  It happens to all of us by accident and now we will do the same thing on purpose.  

Use these lyrics in the exercise from my earlier blog:      Go to:  Musical Lyrics For Better Days

For the next few weeks create an attitude of joy to ring in the holidays and bring in the New Year by using these lyrics (or similar) at least once a day while in a relaxed undisturbed time and really focus on the lyrics and their meaning to you..

Take it away Miss Janet!

ENJOY!  

Wake up 7 am
Bout time we do it again
Sunshine today
I better make plans
Cause it rained yesterday
But that was ok
Cant complain
I love it either way


Living everyday like it's my last
I refuse to be stuck in the past
People actin like machines
Cause they're scared to live their dreams
No not me


I just enjoy and celebrate
Enjoy the love we make
Enjoy, appreciate
Enjoy
Just keep on doing it
'Til my hearts content
And enjoy when someone smiles
Enjoy
So just enjoy the simple things
Enjoy the day life brings
Enjoy the song love sings
Enjoy
Just keep on doing it
'Til your hearts content
And enjoy the gift of life
Enjoy


If you wanna find the paradise
Do it now never too late to try
Lose your inhibitions
Let your inspiration set you free


And just enjoy and celebrate
Enjoy the love we make
Enjoy, appreciate
Enjoy
Just keep on doing it
'Til my hearts content
And enjoy when someone smiles
Enjoy
So let's enjoy the simple things
Enjoy the day life brings
Enjoy the song love sings
Enjoy
Just keep on doing it
'Til your hearts content
And enjoy the gift of life
Enjoy


And the people say


Enjoy la la la la la [Repeat]


I just enjoy and celebrate
Enjoy the love we make
Enjoy, appreciate
Enjoy
Just keep on doing it
'Til my hearts content
And enjoy when someone smiles
Enjoy
So just enjoy the simple things
Enjoy the day life brings
Enjoy the song love sings
Enjoy
Just keep on doing it
'Til your hearts content
And enjoy the gift of life
Enjoy


Enjoy la la la la la [Repeat]

Shape and shift attitude by infusing it with some powerful background music!.

Music has the power to influence us to feel something and connect to our way of thinking and making sense of things.  If we are skillful in choosing music with that in mind, we can harness the amazing power of music/lyrics to heal, empower, strengthen and even change our operational belief system.  

I remember a time when I was going through a difficult life transition and had to prepare for a long drive.  I was moving from Miami to New York City and starting a new chapter in my life full of unknowns, risk and challenges. I didn't think that just being alone in my thoughts for such a long drive would be a very good idea since there was already a lot of thoughts connected to anxiety and fear in my mind.  I knew that anxiety could increase and cloud my judgement and ability to make good choices at such a pivotal time in my life so it was very important to keep it at bay.  I also knew that anxiety is fueled by ruminating fearful thoughts so my task was to interrupt the cycling of worrisome thinking and shift the underlying attitude toward one of hope, possibility and coping. 

​ I needed a way to intentionally create a means of generating competing positive thoughts to dispute the automatic negative ones.  I would need my sense of sight to focus on the task of driving but I could listen to something to help create and affirm what I wanted to fuel my mind with.  I could have listened to a self help audio tape or affirmations but I didn't want to have to focus on processing what I was learning.   I wanted to choose something more automatic but just as powerful as a motivational pep rally.  I decided on music.  More specifically I chose a song to be a consistent repetitive message to dual against the repetitive worrying thoughts. 

I wanted to pick something that would lead my mind to a belief that I was starting my journey towards positive changes.  So what could I listen to that would shift my mind toward the notion of better days? That was it, I needed a little Janet! I would play Janet Jackson's “Better Days” over and over again during the two day drive. It may seem a little redundant to play the same song over and over again but I knew that I could create just the right kind of message to combat the automatic worry thoughts with those particular lyrics. 

​The musical lyrics are the most important factor in this approach and I have so much respect and admiration for Janet’s ability to write lyrics that so pointedly connect to my beliefs about human nature, you might relate to another artists lyrics but I will share these because they are what worked for my particular purpose.  And it did/does work! To this day whenever I have to deal with anxiety, ruminating thoughts or need a positive attitude adjustment I go right to my playlist and listen to “Better Days”.

I hope when you have a need to shift an attitude or combat some anxiety or worry you will find some use in finding some positive lyrics and letting music play a helpful part in bettering your life.

Here are the Lyrics to Janet Jacksons Better Days.

 I spend a great deal of time helping my clients understand that they may have all kinds of external circumstances to cope with, many simultaneous thoughts and feelings, and all kinds of complicated dynamics with others. And yet,  it is in their relation to "Self" that they can "choose"the  values, attention and actions that shape, manage, and impact how experience occurs for them. 

One of my favorite parables points out what is at the core  of  self relations therapy, the ability to choose!

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
 
The wolf you choose to feed represents the "part" of  self you can "choose" to give power to at any moment.  Each human being has the power to shape their own experience of life through the processes of understanding the relationship with one's self and all its parts.  There is a part of you gathering information from senses, a part deciding what to focus on, a part that creates thoughts and ideas and a part that listens and ascribes meanings to those ideas, sensations and experiences.   We all have inner dialogues amongst the many parts within our self.  There also seems to be a distinct processing part of the self that affords us the ability to choose which thoughts, beliefs, ideas and feelings to give attention, value and action to. A healthy life of coping and managing experience may come from mastering the skills to distinguish the parts of self and use the "part that chooses" to create harmony and cooperation within our selves.

Everyone talks to themselves and yet most people don't consider that there is a very real and powerful relationship that needs as much attention care and effort as all the others.  Take some time to learn about your inner dialogue and gain some insight about how to choose which thoughts and ideas to give weight to and which ones to detach from.  

Utilizing practices that allow us to become skillful in the act of intentionally choosing what, when and how to attach or detach within our inner dynamic creates an internal locus of control for us to steer through the external circumstances we encounter. Choosing which thoughts and feelings to give attention to and/or act upon won't necessarily eliminate negative or opposing ones.    However, without feeding them with attention, value or behaviors those other ones will occur more neutral.  In NLP (neurolinguistic training) approaches we often teach clients how to de-intensify negative thoughts or feelings.  In mindfulness and meditative practices thoughts and feelings occur but as one lets go of attachment to them they occur neutrally. 

Here is a link to article with some practical ways to improve your self relationship.
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/01/13/6-ways-you-can-have-a-healthy-relationship-with-yourself/

Some Theoretical Background.
I have practiced self relations psychotherapy with my clients since I was an interning therapist in the early 90's. I was an NLP practitioner and participated in NLP workshops like Tony Robin's "Fire Walk" where I happily tossed my shoes to walk bare foot over burning coals to find my own inner empowerment source.   However, it was during my training in Ericsonian model to utilize clinical hypnosis in my work as a therapist, that I discovered a deeper connection to the evolving discourse surrounding self relations theory.   I learned that the concepts from Carl Jung, Milton Erickson, Ancient Buddhist teachings, countless mind/body practices and later the work of Stephen Gilliam were integrated into the theoretical core of what self relations therapy has become.

Here is a link to an article about the history and founding fathers of the self relations therapeutic concepts.
http://seishindo.org/foundations-the-ericksonian-legacy-and-self-relations-psychotherapy/

As a therapist working with couples for over 20 years, I can emphatically say that one of the biggest challenges many relationships face is keeping the balance between the we, the me, and the them. Couples must give time and attention to three or more entities. Each couple is comprised of two individuals (me/I/mine and you/your) and also their relationship dynamic (we/us/our). Those three entities must deal with layers of context that often compete for time and attention: my career, your career, our family, your family, my family, my friends, your friends, our friends, our home, our children, my interests, your imterests, our common interest, our sex life, our finances, your .... (the number of contexts are unlimited so fill in the blanks with your own).

Whether it be figuring out how to divide your time between your significant other and your relationship with self or vice versa; or  your relationship with your significant other and relationships with your children, pets, friends etc.., making an intentional commitment to keep some sacred time for the we is vital to the health of the couple entity.  

I often suggest couples agree to a few weekly staples to anchor the relationship context from dissolving under other pressures. Date-time, discussion-time, and sexual-time need to be structured in to weekly life or they can slowly seem to lose their importance against ever changing career, social, family and individual pressures competing for time and attention.

Such structured time does not eliminate or replace spontaneous moments for couples to connect, have sex or engage in discussion, it just insures it happens,  as well as, those spontaneous moments.  We are going for quality not quantity here with these three important  anchors.  

Couples also need to respect and support each other's separate individual needs and desires. Making a structure for couples time allows the structure for individual time to work in harmony. There are overlap times that couples will join with each other on their separate needs as well as the needs of family, friends, children, pets, etc... However, these times don't compensate for the need for sacred couples time.  Using a time management  aid like  a couples calendar where shared time is specifically mapped out distinctly from within the individuals schedules can help with coordination between the individual and couple needs.

Putting value on couples time doesn't mean ignoring the needs of both individual's separate time.  Each individual may need separate time to take care of there own personal interest, career, hobbies and social needs. For the individuals there may be other breakdowns that need to be addressed and structure to be balanced without cutting into the allotted couples time, such as downtime, liesure time, chore time, career time, health time, social time, spiritual time etc.. See my upcoming blog post on Time management and  wellness.  It all comes down to creating the balance and harmony between the "we" and the "me" s!

Here are a few great articles about the importance of giving the "we" the time, effort,  and attention it needs for relationship to thrive:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/m-gary-neuman/we-vs-me-couples_b_2618151.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/worry-wise/201402/how-improve-your-relationship-one-simple-word

http://marriagegems.com/2010/02/04/